new program to care for your pets post-rapture

here’s an unsettling scenario:

imagine christ returns, and you’re a faithful christian being raptured into the sky along with the newly-risen dead. as you ascend into the heavens, you look down upon those who are left behind with an adrenaline-driven confusion of emotions that blends feelings of sorrow for their lost souls with that superior christian sense of ‘i told you so.’ as you watch lawyers and yankee fans grow smaller and smaller beneath your ascending feet and scoff, you notice you longtime canine companion, lucky, barking at the sky as if to say, ‘hey, where are you going? are we going for a walk? wait for me. can i come to?’ you look to lucky’s left as he bows his head to lick his butt and cast your gaze upon little fluffy as she meows at the enraptured spectacle and then looks away with catlike indifference. your heart melts as this moment of long-awaited, joyous celebration is marred by the knowledge that your pets will be lost to the ensuing torment on earth after you enter eternal bliss.

well, fear no longer, for today, you prayers have been answered. eternal earth-bound pets, usa promises to care for your pets as well as your atheist friends after you have departed the earth as a part of the great final rapture.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

that’s right, they are confirmed atheists and therefore guaranteed not to be accidentally caught up in the rapture. for a small fee, they will stay behind and care for lucky and fluffy as you enter the pearly gates. it’s the ultimate form of insurance for your pets’ souls.

act now!

6 Responses

  1. Query: if one is driving while raptured, and one’s now-vacant car subsequently runs over little Jinny who has just jumped out into the street to grab her straying ball, who bears the burden of eternal hellfire for her death? IMWTK.

  2. You have heard of this too, haven’t you? You could start a rapture resources page on your blog, lol.

  3. robert,

    i hate to break it to you, but dogs lick their butts, even the dogs of christians. people don’t turn from christ because dogs lick their butts. hypersensitivity and a lack of sense of humor, however, is often a contributing factor.


  4. I’m glad I’m not going to be caught up in this Rapture silliness, being something of a deist, what with having 2 dogs, a cat, a ferret and 2 birds. I’d hate to leave caring for them to strangers.

  5. What about humor do some people not understand?? I am sure Christ appreciates a good laugh now and again…..

  6. “Because people are people, and the world is full of tricks and twistiness yet undreamed of.”
    — One of The Whole Earth Catalogs

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