REPORT: 2.5 Million British Men Too Fat To See Their Penis

Dickey-DoNews from the UK is probably not what they want to hear: 2.5 Million British Men Too Fat To See Their Penis.

New research issued by weight-management specialists LighterLife reveals that one in ten British men are unable to see their penis because of their protruding bellies.

The research into the health of the nation’s men revealed that of those people, 43% hadn’t seen their penis in the last two years, without looking in a mirror or bending over, whilst 16% were unable to remember the last time they saw it.

Seriously, this reads more like an Onion article than an actual research study. Yet, here it is.

BTW – in Fresno, we call it a “dickey-do,” because a man’s gut sticks out farther than he dickey do.

a two-inch phallus makes robert drewes immortal

Drew's Phallus (Phallus drewesii)

A new species of fungus, phallus drewesii, or "Drewes’ Phallus," was recently named in honor of Dr. Robert Drewes of the California Academy of Sciences.

now this is a great story!

robert drewes, a herpetologist from the california academy of sciences, is being immortalized according to the scientific magazine mycologia. the fearless snake wrangler brought his colleague, san francisco state university mushroom expert dennis desjardin, on a trip to the island republic of são tomé and príncipe. during the expedition, desjardin recognized a previously unknown, two-inch long, phallic-looking fungus sprouting from a piece of wood as a new species. to thank drewes (and with drewes’ blessing), desjardin named the new species phallus drewesii (drewes’ phallus) in honor of his longtime friend.

a scientific american article by brendan borrell points out:

Stinkhorns like Phallus drewsii, are found mostly in the tropics and their characteristic shape helps them emit an odor of dung or carrion that attracts flies to disperse their spores. The stinkhorn was one of 225 fungus species that expedition scientists collected during two trips to the region.

drewes told the san jose mercury news:

“I am utterly delighted…The funny thing is that it is the second smallest known mushroom in this genus and it grows sideways, almost limp.”

there is nothing like a scientist with a great sense of humor and profound security in his sexuality. then again, the guy studies huge snakes for a living. i’m sure he’s heard the compensation jokes before.

congratulations to drs. drewes and desjardin on their respective accomplishments.

was jesus ‘hanged’ or ‘hung’ on the cross?

now this story is hard to pass up.

the english language can be quite difficult. for instance, many people have particular difficulty with the past tense of the verb ‘to hang.’ the general rule of thumb is that objects are ‘hung,’ as in, ‘we hung the ornaments on the christmas tree.’ however, human beings are ‘hanged,’ as in, ‘the bandit was hanged by the neck until dead.’ then, of course, there is the slang term ‘he is hung’ meaning a man is particularly well endowed.

well, one church in warr acres, oklahoma wants to take all the confusion out of the word by combining all three forms into one glorious painting.

imagine if you will a painting of jesus hanging on the cross. imagine that painting is the famed san damiano cross from the san damiano chapel in asisi, italy, which according to legend, is the very cross that spoke to st. francis of asisi in the year 1205. remember that st. francis of asisi was famous for his acts of poverty, humility and charity to the world. now, imagine a local church, st. charles church in warr acres, oklahoma, commissions a local artist, janet jaime, to produce a replica of the famed painting, seen below in various forms. now imagine that the artist forgets a brush stroke or two. the result is the painting below on the bottom right.

San Damiano's Crucifix San Damiano Crucifix
San Damiano's Crucifix San Damiano's Crucifix

jesus either works out a lot or is really happy to see you in church. i’m not saying that it’s obvious… but, well… who am i kidding? of course it’s obvious! look at that. honestly! how hard is it to draw abs that don’t look like a crotch rocket? seriously. of all the crosses that could have spoken to and inspired st. francis, this is the one?

the presence of this oversized painting in a house of worship is hard to swallow for some and resistance has stiffened. recently, some parishioners of the church where this painting was erected have left because of the prolonged controversy. and can you blame them? how can one worship with that hanging over the altar?

it seems, however, this crisis of faith will soon come to an end. reports today are that the head of the congregation has asked the local artist who was commissioned to paint the crucifix, to add a few strokes to the masterpiece in order to delineate jesus’ six-pack abs. that way, no one will be offended, but christians throughout warr acres, oklahoma can still proudly proclaim that jesus was indeed hung on a cross.

i promise you this: this is the last time i model for a painting!

(with thanx and a hat tip to scott bailey.)

%d bloggers like this: